somebody walks by with ice
I remember this from SUPER FUCKING LONG ago like not 100% but I’m p sure I was in my Crush Chain era
so there were four relevant parties: T-male, T-female, C, and me. C had a crush on me, I had a crush on T-female, T-female had a crush on T-male, and idk who T-male had a crush on, but it was probably God, because he was religious af
anyway, it was probably around that time that I came across this image, and like all lovestruck teenagers in the throes of limerence, I saw it as an exceedingly apt description of my predicament.
but what does it actually mean? like I actually found this (after searching) on /r/niceguys, and the discourse was generally about how this suggests that white is, passive aggressively or otherwise, expressing their romantic entitlement to green because of the effort they’ve put in in the past
and that would be the easy way to read it, but I feel like that’s really just projection, assuming, of course, that it is a real conversation. because of course love is based on effort; you need to show up every day, and keep on showing up every day after that.
love is forehead kisses and silly inside jokes and bending over the kitchen table and secretly holding hands, but it is also queueing at 7 AM every day to buy their favourite breakfast and remembering just how they like their eggs and holding each other accountable and-
so if you look at it from that perspective, yes, of course the screenshot looks like someone just whining. another way to frame it is that it’s a wistful acknowledgement of a lesson that too many of us have had to learn (and maybe not even with green), and perhaps it’s more just that white really meant attraction…? because you can build emotional attraction based on shared interests and values etc., but there’s always that X-factor that may be present or absent, and circumstances could easily intervene, and a thousand other things could go wrong.
as I pithily (IMO) put it recently, attraction is neither deterministic nor reflexive. the continuation, in my head, is that 不适合 (not suited) hurts just as much as 不配 (not worthy).
who remembers the entire all As are the same saga? the time was not right, and I was heartbroken (I remember crying while watching 功夫), and eventually she came back to me, which was its own painful episode, but that’s a story for another day
so first, a book quote
SPOILERS THE WISE MAN’S FEAR
“Fine, fine.” Elodin walked over to where Fela sat. “We’ll use Fela’s example.” He took her hand and pulled her to her feet, motioning me to follow.
I came reluctantly to my feet as well and Elodin arranged the two of us so we stood facing each other in profile to the class. “Here we have two lovely young people,” he said. “Their eyes meet across the room.”
Elodin pushed my shoulder and I stumbled forward half a step. “He says hello. She says hello. She smiles. He shifts uneasily from foot to foot.” I stopped doing just that and there was a faint murmur of laughter from the others.
“There is something ephemeral in the air,” Elodin said, moving to stand behind Fela. He put his hands on her shoulders, leaning close to her ear. “She loves the lines of him,” he said softly. “She is curious about the shape of his mouth. She wonders if this could be the one, if she could unclasp the secret pieces of her heart to him.” Fela looked down, her cheeks flushing a bright scarlet.
Elodin stalked around to stand behind me. “Kvothe looks at her, and for the first time he understands the impulse that first drove men to paint. To sculpt. To sing.”
He circled us again, eventually standing between us like a priest about to perform a wedding. “There exists between them something tenuous and delicate. They can both feel it. Like static in the air. Faint as frost.”
He looked me full in the face. His dark eyes serious. “Now. What do you do?”
I looked back at him, utterly lost. If there was one thing I knew less about than naming, it was courting women.
“There are three paths here,” Elodin said to the class. He held up one finger. “First. Our young lovers can try to express what they feel. They can try to play the half-heard song their hearts are singing.”
Elodin paused for effect. “This is the path of the honest fool, and it will go badly. This thing between you is too tremulous for talk. It is a spark so faint that even the most careful breath might snuff it out.”
Master Namer shook his head. “Even if you are clever and have a way with words, you are doomed in this. Because while your mouths might speak the same language, your hearts do not.” He looked at me intently. “This is an issue of translation.”
Elodin held up two fingers. “The second path is more careful. You talk of small things. The weather. A familiar play. You spend time in company. You hold hands. In doing so you slowly learn the secret meanings of each other’s words. This way, when the time comes you can speak with subtle meaning underneath your words, so there is understanding on both sides.”
Elodin made a sweeping gesture toward me. “Then there is the third path. The path of Kvothe.” He strode to stand shoulder to shoulder with me, facing Fela. “You sense something between you. Something wonderful and delicate.” He gave a romantic, lovelorn sigh.
“And, because you desire certainty in all things, you decide to force the issue. You take the shortest route. Simplest is best, you think.” Elodin extended his own hands and made wild grasping motions in Fela’s direction. “So you reach out and you grab this young woman’s breasts.”
There was a burst of startled laughter from everyone except Fela and myself. I scowled. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and her flush spread down her neck until it was hidden by her shirt.
Elodin turned his back to her and looked me in the eye.
“Re’lar Kvothe,” he said seriously. “I am trying to wake your sleeping mind to the subtle language the world is whispering. I am trying to seduce you into understanding. I am trying to teach you.” He leaned forward until his face was almost touching mine. “Quit grabbing at my tits.”
which you think is just an instance of Elodin making fun of Kvothe, right? and obviously, Kvothe himself thinks so too
and later
“Not pointless.” I protested. “It’s the questions we can’t answer that teach us the most. They teach us how to think. If you give a man an answer, all he gains is a little fact. But give him a question and he’ll look for his own answers.”
I spread my blanket on the ground and folded over the threadbare tinker’s cloak to wrap myself in. “That way, when he finds the answers, they’ll be precious to him. The harder the question, the harder we hunt. The harder we hunt, the more we learn. An impossible question…”
I trailed off as realization burst onto me. Elodin. That is what Elodin had been doing. Everything he’d done in his class. The games, the hints, the cryptic riddling. They were all questions of a sort.
Marten shook his head and wandered off, but I was lost in my thoughts and hardly noticed. I had wanted answers, and in spite of it all I had thought, Elodin had been trying to give them to me. What I had taken as a malicious crypticism on his part was actually a persistent urging toward the truth. I sat there, silent and stunned by the scope of his instruction. By my lack of understanding. My lack of sight.
I would pull another relevant quote from Dune out here, but I think that’s enough of others’ words for today.
not even sure what point I’m making here, except, perhaps, that life is complicated and that acting without thinking is -EV