analytics
so I thought of adding stuff like analytics, comment functionality, etc. here
but I realised I don’t wanna do that because I don’t want to know who’s reading, because ultimately I am writing for myself
do you ever get one of those moments where
okay so there was this girl whom I shared one class with in JC (rare subject) and we were like…not super close? from my perspective at least
once I pretended I broke my leg and she got super anxious (and then mad when she realised it was a joke)
then one day she sent me an email with a pic that was literally a BUNCH of hearts and that said “love, from your <cute way to spell her name>”
it was like 6-7 years later that I looked back and was like “oh wups”
can’t say I was ever interested in her but it’s one of those situations where I never really considered it, right…because I know whom I was crushing on (LIKE MAD BTW) at that time…………who knows, right
after I thought of her (the cute email girl, not my crush) I went to stalk her; she worked as a teacher for a few years, and now she’s doing product at an EdTech company (!)
entirely seriously (no false self-deprecation), of everyone I have liked and everyone who has liked me, she might be the one whom I am least worthy of
like she’s not making a ton of $$, and she’s not super smart (smart enough), nor is she super good-looking (but defo pretty if you consider it objectively), but she is really a good person, and I can say with certainty she is a better person than I am
life is really strange. I remember, a long time ago, I was like…6? and riding on a kick scooter with my father
so we fell down and both got injured, and like a few days later he commented on how I healed super fast and he didn’t any more. well, he was a bit older then than I am now, but…sometimes I still feel like me that day I got that cute email. clueless, drifting through life, not really sure what the best path is.
being a manager is actually so fucking hard and idk how I keep it together
the crazy thing is that my underlings say weird ass stuff like “you are the best boss I have ever had” and I’m like ?? yo I’m just trying to make a living here this is like basic
nobody sees the insane anxiety I have when I need to have The Talk about performance, and scolding people is hard. not micromanaging is hard (when someone on top is projecting their anxiety on you, it takes all I have to not then project my anxiety on my underlings). firing is hard, so gut-wrenchingly hard, like wdym I have to tell this person “yo this is your last day here”???? like I’m really not cut out for this and I prefer just being an IC because I can do what I want and doesn’t afraid of anything
how about we just start driving and go a long, long way? we can park in the middle of the desert and kiss beneath the stars, and help each other forget. and maybe in time, your green eyes will turn blue, and my collarbones will harden again.